Loneliness vs. Solitude: Why One Heals and the Other Hurts

In our fast-paced world, we often use the words “being alone” and “being lonely” interchangeably. But as a doctor and a woman of faith, I can tell you that these two states are as different as night and day.

One is a medicine for the soul; the other is a poison for the body.

To truly understand our mental wellness, we must first distinguish between Solitude and Loneliness.

The Healing Power of Solitude

Let’s look at Solitude first. This implies a positive state. It is when being alone is chosen and wanted.

Solitude is the act of being content with one’s own company. It allows for silent reflection, prayer, writing, and mental stimulation toward a positive end. When we choose solitude, there is no lack. We do not feel isolated; we feel free. It allows the body to relax and the mind to be creative without distraction.

The Heavy Toll of Loneliness

Loneliness, on the other hand, speaks of a lack. It is a painful state of anxiety—whether expressed or suppressed.

Loneliness is the feeling of being isolated or unwanted, even if there are people around you. You can be in a crowded room or living in a busy house and still feel a profound lack of meaningful connection. This implies a need that is not being fulfilled, and it is detrimental to the individual.

Is Loneliness as Damaging as Smoking?

You may have heard the statistic that “loneliness is as damaging as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.” As a physician, I want to explain why that is true biologically.

Think about what smoking does over time. The inhaled toxins damage blood vessels, narrowing them. It dehydrates the skin, causing wrinkles. Nicotine forces the heart to work harder, raising blood pressure and heart rate. It decreases good cholesterol (HDL) and increases bad cholesterol (LDL), leading to heart attacks and strokes.

Loneliness does something very similar, but through a different pathway: Chronic Stress.

When you are lonely, your body stays in a state of “fight or flight.” This triggers the release of cortisol, an inflammatory hormone. Just like smoking, excess cortisol increases blood pressure and heart rate, forcing the heart to work overtime.

Furthermore, this chronic stress causes changes in the brain that lead to cognitive decline, depression, and a constant sense of anxiety. The real danger of loneliness is the feeling of poor self-worth and the self-destructive behavior that often accompanies it.

Finding Your Way Back to Connection

So, what should we do?

If you have recently experienced a major life transition—such as the loss of a spouse or retirement from a career—it is natural to feel a void.

Here is my prescription for navigating this season:

1. Allow Time for Mourning: If you are grieving, give yourself grace. Six weeks is about average for the initial phase, but for some, the feeling of abandonment can take up to two years to fully process. There is no “right” timeline.
2. Seek Concerned Company: Make it a point to be around friends and family members who truly care. Do not wait for them to guess you need them; reach out.
3. Shift Your Focus Outward: This is the most powerful tool. Engage in activities that take the emphasis off yourself. Find a hobby that involves others or look for ways to help people who have greater needs than yours. When we serve others, we have less time to feel sorry for ourselves.
4. Join the Group: Later, when you are ready, join a travel organization, a book club, or a church group. Forming new meaningful relationships takes time, but you should not prevent yourself from getting back into the rhythm of life.

Remember, solitude is a gift you give yourself. Loneliness is a signal that it’s time to reach out.